I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
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