I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
