I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
