What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
