Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
