i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
