It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
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