the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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