he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
