I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Randomize
