i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
My day in three words: secret purse cake
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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