And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
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