did you get engaged???
i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
My Higher Power is John Stamos
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
