I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
