he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
