I only want to know people that are dynamic intelligent and totally insane
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
