My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
