I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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