I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
even my farts smell like vagina
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Randomize
