i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
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