totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
