just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Randomize
