Too much gin, very little bucket
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
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