I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Randomize
