Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
