the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
