I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
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Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
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I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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