I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
