she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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