Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
