apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
