Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
She bit a glass in half.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Randomize
