i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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