I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
