she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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