I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
