I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Randomize
