I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
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