i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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