Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
