Welp...herpes.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
