wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
