god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
