Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
