I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
