my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
