I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I smell like Dick and happiness
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