I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
