Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I just want to make out with him forever
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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