those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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