Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
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