Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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