zippers are such a cool invention
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Randomize
