why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
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There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
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She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
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