I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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