There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
