I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
