I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Randomize
