I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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