I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
