my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
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