I painted my nails silver
And what are the implications of that?
Is there supposed to be a msg in that? Just thought ud like to know it looks like I fingerbanged an alien
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
