Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
