she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Randomize
