is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
