EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
