Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
