Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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